Wow! Would you look at all the big shots that agreed to a fabricated interview.  I can't tell you what an honor it is to be surrounded by a crowd like this.  It's sort of like being in the Mars Attacks cast.  Well I thought everyone would be in Iowa, but I had to chase Wesley Clark down in New Hampshire.  Wesley, you're not running from a fight again are you General?

A general who dislikes war is no more at fault than a clown who doesn't like the circus.

Well let's get back to IOWA and let's start with the front runner, Howard Dean.  Howard it seems to me between Rev. Sharpton saying you'll never keep minorities in your cabinet, and that crack you made about hillbillies from the South and the flags in their pick up trucks, you've pretty much classified yourself as the Archie Bunker candidate.

Now you can be especially thankful your home state is a little one.  OK wow there's a surprise, Don King, what are you doing at my democratic candidate interview?

:I would oppose any war in which the plans were laid out on my forehead.

Trust me when I say I would too.  Representative Gephardt you support gay rights, yet you oppose republicans.  Where do you stand on gay republicans?

I'm not touchin' that one.  John Edwards, if you followed your opponent, Joe Lieberman, into a restaurant and saw that he had dropped a hundred dollar bill, what would you do?

I'm especially proud of the clause that requires potential drop outs students to have an exit interview with Simon from American Idol.

Can we still write in Pat Paulson?  I hope everyone is having a great 2004 so far.  Please let me know if I can extend a creative helping hand.