This week Bob visits with ...

His Fabricated Uncle Tonucci The Sicilian Immigrant

 

 
     
Bob:   As we approach Memorial Day, I can't think of anyone more suited to be interviewed than my Uncle Tonucci.  Uncle Tonucci has a gift for coining phrases that are remarkably similar to famous American quotes.  Different, yet remarkably similar.  So, Uncle Tonucci, when did you first realize you had this gift?
Uncle Tonucci:   I guess my family and I first noticed when I was twelve.  I was a little young to be shaving, but I insisted that I begin anyway.  I came out of the bathroom with my face all cut up and I shouted "Give me puberty, or give me death!"
     
Bob:   That's a good one Uncle Tonucci.  What about when you were in the Army, did you come up with any then?
Uncle Tonucci::   There was the time we had to pair off for boxing matches with the 47th battalion.  We all drew names, and I got this Indian guy from Cleveland.  My buddies asked who I drew, and I said.  "I have Natyet Begin to fight!"
     
Bob:   It sure is interesting how common every day situations led to a great many of these.  There was another one you told me about that you came up with while you were in the Army.  That one in the mess hall. 
Uncle Tonucci:   Yeah, It was breakfast time, and we were getting ready for a big food fight.  My buddy Joey was about to let his hash browns fly, and I said "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eggs!"
     
Bob:   Well that's incredible.  Hey, you were supposed to take me hunting sometime. We keep talking about it, and all the luck you've had without me.  How long ago did you start hunting anyway?
Uncle Tonucci:   Four boar and seven deer ago.
     
Bob:   I guess I shouldn't have asked.  So how are things going in your new job as department store manager anyway?
Uncle Tonucci:   Well I had a bad day the other day,  I was stuck at home because I ran out of toothpaste, and I refused to go to work without brushing.  Well I had to place a big order that day and I couldn't get my computer working to send the fax over.
     
Bob:   Wow!  Tough day.  I hope you learned something from it.
Uncle Tonucci:   Sure I did.  Now I know that nothing is certain including breath and faxes.
     
Bob:   Have you coined any phrases on the job that the store has decided to use?
Uncle Tonucci::   As a matter of fact there was one just the other day when we ran out of little red purses, and everyone wanted to know when there would be more in.  All I could say was "The red totes are coming! The red totes are coming!"  Now that saying is all over the walls.
     
Bob:   OK.  Before we go, tell everyone about that Abe Lincoln one you accidentally came up with. 
Uncle Tonucci:   Well I was visiting my friend Billy the farmer and I had fallen into the manure pile.  So I snuck out back of the barn and tried to wash my clothes in the rain barrel.  Well his sister came out from the house, and I had to sit there for hours.  When it was over I said "Tis better to remain foolish and be thought silent, than to speak and remove all clothes."
     
Bob:   Well I hope you come by this year again for Christmas, and don't forget to bring that star you have for the tree.
Uncle Tonucci:   I only regret that I have but one light to give for my Christmas Tree.
     
     
Bob:    Wow.  You're on a roll.  Hey Everybody, why not get Dad a Speechbooster this year for Father's Day.   Let me know.
     

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