... Bob's Fabricated Interview
This week Bob visits with ...
Tom explains why the country's security advisory level may never reach Speechboosters status again.
Tom Ridge
| Bob: | Good morning Tom, and thanks for meeting with me. I know you must be very busy acting on all the information that comes in. What's the latest? | |
| Tom: | Well, it's a bit early to disclose, but we think we've located the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein. | |
| Bob: | Wow! Are those mushrooms growing in your briefcase? | |
| Tom: | Oh great, another wise guy who thinks I'm over reacting because I raised the security advisory based in part on three year old intelligence. | |
| Bob: | Be assured that I'm convinced you had little more than three year old intelligence to go on. Do you really think there's enough new data to keep adjusting the security level? | |
| Tom: | Did you know that chicken mcnuggets are all white meat now? | |
| Bob: | You are leading edge. Terrorists must have trouble sleeping with you out there guessing their next move... or their move 17 moves ago, or whatever? How far off are we before there's a chance this country could see the 'guarded' alias Speechboosters security level? | |
| Tom: | As soon as everyone takes my advice of bullet proof under garments, and retina scan mall entrances. | |
| Bob: | ...And when the new mall customers can't make it in the door, they can go just about anywhere else except swimming. Sounds pretty safe. | |
| Tom: | And don't forget gas masks. | |
| Bob: | People should always have those on hand, right? | |
| Tom: | I wear mine on my face. Last time I wore it on my hand I started to cough and when I tried covering my mouth I hurt myself. It turns out there was a diabolical plot to have me wear it on my hand, and then fill the air with cigar smoke so that I would do that. Terrorists are everywhere. | |
| Bob: | Tom, I have to say. I think your name should be Rigid. Do you have a lighter side? | |
| Tom: | Sometimes I'll sign up known terrorists to get those irritating emails about Viagra, but other than that I stay focused on the security of our country. | |
| Bob: | We're lucky to have people like you to protect us. There is one question that my wife has been dying to ask you. Did you consider other colors for your warning chart. She said that using pastels would have been warmer and more comforting to a nervous nation. | |
| Tom: | Those decisions were not made lightly. I had originally planned pastels, but no one could arrive at a shade of mauve that I was happy with. | |
| Bob: | Well we owe you more than I thought. I'm curious, do you have a similar security plan for your home? | |
| Tom: | Similar, yes. I rate my wife's impatience with my security infatuation at Elevated, High, or Severe. She says if I keep making her empty her purse before she comes in the house, she's going to have the concrete barrier removed from in front of the couch. | |
| Bob: | She clearly doesn't know what you know. | |
| Tom: | I'm convinced. | |
| Bob: | I'm not sure any of us or even all of us do. Tom, it's clear the security level of our country will be adjusted based on knowledge, ... based on information, .... based on emails, ....OK, based on a man who considers Barney a dangerous dinosaur. Lighten up. Use a Speechboosters top ten before your next security briefing. | |
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| Interviews
Of Yesterweek
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| Democratic Hopefuls 01/11/04 | ||
| Prahlad Jani 01/04/04 | ||
| Santa 12/14/03 | ||
| Tom The Turkey 11/23/03 | ||
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| California Gubernatorial Candidates 09/13/03 | ||
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| Uncle Tonucci 05/18/03 | ||
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| Tom White 04/27/02 | ||
| Lisa Marie Presley 04/20/03 | ||
| Easter Bunny 04/13/03 | ||
| Kim Jong-il 04/06/03 | ||
| Muhammed al-Douri 03/30/03 | ||
| George W. Bush 03/23/03 | ||
| Jacques Chirac 03/16/03 | ||
| Khalid Interview 03/09/03 | ||
| Saddam Hussein Interview 03/02/03 |
